In third or fourth grade, probably fourth grade, my brother shot me with the BB gun Santa left for me in the living room under the tree just a couple hours earlier. My brother didn’t say he was sorry, well, probably because a few minutes before, l had shot him. Mom didn’t even bother hollering at us.

It stung for a minute and left a red mark. I loved that BB gun. Right now, the same gun is in my basement gathering dust. Back in the day it was used to shoot at targets, some squirrels, birds and trees. Doubt I ever hit a bird or a squirrel and I probably missed most targets. Haven’t shot it in several decades. Don’t know if it still works.

The reason I wanted, actually desperately needed, that BB gun was to protect me and the family from bad guys. Fortunately, that BB gun was never placed into service repelling an attack by a gang of notorious criminals. However, my trusty BB gun remains at the ready should the bad guys ever show up.

Back in the day, distinguishing between the good and the bad guys seemed pretty straight forward. Everyone I liked was a good guy. Bad guys included jerks like Mike B, whose dad ended up grounding him for tying me to a tree in the woods.

Mike was older than I was. As an adult, he is a nice guy. A couple years after being tied to a tree, he gave me my first ride on a motorcycle. As I aged, I came to know the line between good and bad is often blurred. Nobody is perfect, mostly nobody is all bad either.

My BB gun looked to an eight year old me, just like the Winchester rifles used by all the famous TV Cowboys in the western TV shows: Bonanza, The Lone Ranger, Maverick, Roy Rogers and the list goes on.

Wish I hadn’t but I just went down to the basement to look at my trusty BB gun. In my mind, it was full sized and looked close to being a real Winchester rifle from the late 1800’s.

Sadly, my BB gun is actually about half the size of a real Winchester rifle, not really that good of a Winchester imitation and maybe worst of all, my trusty rifle is not in very good condition. The pump action jammed and the trim is falling off. We are all showing our age, I guess.

My BB gun was the perfect weapon to deter bad guys from even thinking about attacking our home. They’d never know what hit them. The local authorities would have been so appreciative that I, a nine or tenyear old kid, captured the thugs which were terrorizing so many. My plan was to go upstairs and shoot down at them from the windows.

I was in my forties when my mom moved into an apartment from the house I grew up in. She gave me my dad’s two old guns. A 12 gage shotgun and a rifle that I have no recollection of what kind it was. Not being a hunter or a gun person, I sold them to a gun shop. The point being, I can’t actually say I never owned a real gun, but as a practical matter, the only gun I’ve ever really “owned”, was my trusty BB gun.

So far, in seventy years, fortunately, nobody has ever broken into my house or held me at gunpoint. No situations have come up where me having a gun would have been beneficial. No drug addicts or prison escapees have ever come to our door demanding our valuables or taken us hostage so we can be exchanged for ransom.

We have had some Mormons, people who want me to sign a petition to save the planet and political candidates but they were all very polite and left when I politely asked them to leave.

About fifteen years ago there were several break-ins around our neighborhood over a couple month period. To my knowledge nobody was ever home when the robbers came in. However, our house was not one that was broken into.

We do hear about a catalytic converter being stolen here or there. Periodically there are some porch pirates who steal packages or someone reports a garage being broken into. I can’t recall any instances in our area where someone forced their way into a house while someone was home.

To date my personal interaction with criminals has been pretty much limited to phone calls trying to talk me into sending them money for one reason or another. BB guns, or any other gun, doesn’t work against phone call scams. I have known people who have fallen for them but I have not.

Some people own guns for hunting and handguns for protection. They bought their guns legally and have taken safety classes. Some of them enjoy going to firing ranges to practice shooting. Some people I know enjoy hunting and have guns for that purpose. One of my friends used to be on a skeet shooting team. He loved that sport until medical issues caused him to quit.

Except for those I know who used guns as part of their job, law enforcement or military, I don’t remember knowing anyone personally who has fired their guns at another human. I have known of people who have shot themselves. Although right now, I don’t remember who, so maybe I just think I knew people who used a gun to take their own life.

My trusty BB gun, back in the day, would leave a red mark and sting for a bit. Maybe it could shoot an eye out but in my case, it didn’t.

The closer you look the more you see.

This time colon cancer in the form of a small cancerous polyp. The portion of my colon containing that polyp and the surrounding lymph nodes were removed. Annual colonoscopies are in my future.

This is my third cancer removal surgery. The first was three years ago, December of 2019, a cancerous tumor and the associated right kidney were removed. Annual CT scans and X-rays for the rest of my life.

The second was about a year and a half ago, March 2021, my enlarged prostate and the small but nonetheless cancerous tumor it contained were removed. PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) test will be done semi-annually.

Which as a practical matter means, every year, prior to my annual physical I will get a CT scan of my lower abdomen, lung X-rays, PSA level and now an annual colonoscopy. Keeping track of usernames and passwords for my various medical providers “systems”, any one of which I don’t log into often, is a challenge I face..

It’s early days post colon surgery. A consultation with an oncologist to see what I can do to prevent / predict other cancers is in my future. Along that line, I try to keep our daughters informed so they and their physicians can keep a wary eye out, just in case any of this is hereditary.

Nobody knows for sure if any of my cancers will return but we, several doctors and I, are reasonably hopeful they will not. All three of my cancers were caught early. “The cancer did not exceed the margins” is what the doctor said and what their reports stated for all three of my cancers. That means no cancer was found outside of what they removed from my body. Basically those magical words are a thumbs up emoji.

How I feel about having had cancer is evolving. I’ve always said I don’t want to be defined by my cancer. I still don’t, but here is the reality of it for me. It is what it is.

The cancer is discovered then a plan is made. More tests needed to prepare for surgery. Thorough preoperative physical. In each case I was in the hospital for several days. The first 36 hours in the hospital were pretty intense but for the couple days after that, while I healed enough to go home, it got progressively more boring.

My life is different because I had cancer mostly because life is a bit different with only one kidney, no prostate and a shorter colon. Different but not outrageously different.

My cancers were all caught early. Each of the cancers would likely have been fatal if not caught early.
In each case I had no symptoms. My kidneys were well functioning, mild discomfort which went away but let’s do the routine follow up anyway. A routine five year colonoscopy routinely scheduled to happen before my annual Medicare physical. While seeing a urologist about my enlarged prostate he suggested we do a scan just to be sure.

By the time one gets symptoms with kidney cancer it has already spread to your lungs. And apparently it’s a hard fight. If colon cancer spreads to your lymph nodes you are in for a hard fight. If prostate cancer spreads outside the prostate you are often in for a multi organ hard fight.

It sort of freaks me out that I had cancer before I had any symptoms of having cancer. Do I still have undiscovered cancer? Hopefully not.

What I do have is a life living with one kidney, no prostate and a chunk of my colon removed, the consequences of which are not supposed to be too bad but only time will tell.

My life with one kidney for me means my blood does not get cleaned out as well as it should be. My doctor is not at all surprised that I get more tired more easily than I used to. I can power through the tired and have very active days but then the piper must be paid and I need to rest so my body can clean out my blood. It is getting better but afternoon naps are still refreshing.

The removal of a prostate, at least for me, is about controlling my pee. Leaks happen. Mostly just a couple drops. I haven’t just wet my pants but I have occasionally changed my underwear a couple times a day. I wear a thin pad and that usually is enough.

I can walk and rollerblade. I’m currently on a ten pound lifting restriction. Which is more about the stitches in my belly than my actual colon cancer. What life will be with a shortened colon is to be determined.

So my attitude about cancer is evolving. I’ve asked and have not been told I could or should have done this or that to prevent the cancers I’ve had. Certainly there is a reason why I had three different cancers but that reason is truly unknown to me.

There are real, affecting my daily life, consequences of having had cancers . Tired, pee control and I suspect I’ll have some eating restrictions due to colon cancer. Yet when I think about it all my consequences are really more about the removal of an organ or at least part of an organ. Not so much about why that organ was removed.

Where do I go from here? The answer is forward. Recover my strength from surgery. Whenever the snow falls for the next month or so, watch other people clear the snow from our driveway.

The closer you look the more you see.