Four months after I retired, I got an email from a friend at my former job asking for assistance on a technical thing.  Arrangements were made, and I stopped in to help. It was nice to be asked and I was happy to try.  In the end, I had lost my admin privileges upon retirement, so advice is all I could to offer.

The surroundings felt familiar and everyone was friendly and nice.  However, I was only there a couple minutes when the little voice in my head quietly whispered the observation:  I no longer feel a sense of belonging here.  I looked around wondering what had changed. What was different?

The interconnected sense of belonging I felt at my former job was gone.  I no longer wanted to immerse myself into the mix of life in that organization.  The “who said what, to whom” reality of life in the organization is irrelevant to me.  I care about the mission of the organization.  I care about the people in the organization.  But my desire to belong there was gone.

They did nothing to cause it, but my former job and I are on different paths moving in different directions.  What has changed is me.

This is paraphrased from a Wikipedia article:

“Whether it is family, friends, co-workers, a religion, or something else, people tend to have an ‘inherent’ desire to belong and be an important part of something greater than themselves. The need to belong is the need to give and receive attention to and from others”.

Based on what I learned getting my psychology degree (U of MN – BA Psychology 1975) and a lifetime of reading and experience, the need for feeling a sense of belonging is a basic part of human nature and a very real need of all humans.

We humans are a communal species.  There are serious consequences when humans do not feel they belong.  Being a lone wolf is not good for our survival.  Seriously, if you feel truly alone and like you do not belong, please seek help.  Not kidding. Take it seriously.  You do belong, let someone help you see it.

However, realities need to be faced.  I no longer felt the “we are all in this together” feeling I felt on every project team of which I was a member.  I no longer felt part of the solution because nobody copies me on emails so that we can together solve an unusual issue.  The camaraderie formed by jointly enduring endless project meetings is in my past. I no longer share an eye-roll reaction to the corny weekly emails from the commissioner’s office urging us to do our best.

The emails and meetings gave me a sense of belonging. I was part of an interdependent team of people who worked to accomplish a mission.  Our job bound us together and it felt good working together for the common good.  The feeling of belonging I had with my job is gone but I still feel I belong in many other aspects of my life. Just not at my former job.

My life is not empty because I no longer work for a living.  I have a marriage. I have friends.  I have family.  I talk to neighbors and relatives. I frequently rollerblade with my sister.  I attend classes and frequently get emails from the University reminding me I am part of their family. I have more Facebook friends from high school than actual friends I had in high school.

The need to belong is universal.  All people throughout history across every culture have the need to belong.  It is not a weakness of character.  It is not a gender thing.  It is not a generational thing.  It is not a national origin thing.  It is not an occupational thing. We all need to belong throughout our entire lives no matter what our individual circumstances. It is a human thing.

The need to belong is a very powerful motivator.  Otherwise, honest, intelligent well raised teen agers have been known to fib to their parents in order to sustain their sense of belonging with their friends. Some people will jump up and down in public screaming just to show they belong to group called fans of the home team.  People mourn the loss of a group member and celebrate when new members are added.

The need to belong guides many aspects of our lives.  How we dress.  Who we associate with.  How we behave.  It is a big part of our day to day life.  Politicians, advertisers, coaches, religious leaders, moms, dads, siblings, bosses, and the like all use our need to belong to motivate us into doing or not doing this or that activity.  We do the same to others.

Belongingness is a mutual thing.  There is no group of one.  “We” are a group.  I or you, alone, do not constitute a group.  Our group, not their group.  I affect the group; the group also affects me.  The need to belong is the need to give and receive attention to and from others.  Belongingness is a messy set of complex interconnecting relationships between real people who are interconnected.

A movie star is not a movie star unless others consider the movie star to be a movie star.  I can say I belong to a group called super smart geniuses.  I might in fact be a super smart genius however, I do not belong to the group unless other super smart geniuses interact with me and I with them.  Curiously I am still waiting to interact with other super smart geniuses, so I guess do not belong to that group either.

Over time, things change.  The need to feel a sense of belonging is always there.  What changes, for all sorts of reasons, are the groups we share the sense of belonging with.

 

What we perceive often depends on how close we look.
Scaleandperception.com

 

 

For those who do not know, my status is a 66-year-old retired person enrolled at the University of Minnesota (UMN) in pursuit of a degree in Communications.  One class a semester, about to start my third semester.  I am thoroughly enjoying the experience.

It feels like writing papers and making speeches is easier with a lifetime of experience under my belt than it was 45 years ago when I originally went to the U of MN.  I might be better at papers and speeches today, but I was better at test taking back in the day.

When class is in session, I averaged about 10 – 12 hours a week reading, doing assignments, writing papers, practicing speeches and the like.  We gave 4 speeches and took a final in my Public Speaking class.  For the Analysis of Argument class, we wrote two outlines and 3 papers, gave a 20-minute group presentation and a final exam.

Here is an actual question from my last final: Define Pathos as it relates to grounds for a claim in an argument?   Another question was something like: Match each of 7 terms with a definition from a list of 10 definitions.

Back when I last took tests at the U of MN, 1971 – 1975, the trick to tests was to understand the concepts.  Now, I think it is: know the concept, know the term for the concept and understand the relationships between related concepts.

How to study for an exam is a work in progress for me.  The phrase, “memorize to learn” is contrary to my instinct but might be the key to test taking, me thinks.

My professors took attendance every class period and lecture with slides.  They ask leading questions to get the students engaged in the topic of the day.  Students still try to avoid eye contact in hopes of not being called on.  There are still a student or two who raise their hand to answer anything that even sounded like a question.

The biggest difference then to now is the technology.  We access most stuff through the one-stop portal called MyU.  MyU is where we register, pay tuition, view our class schedule and generally interact with the University.  MyU is where we also find the app called Moodle.  Moodle is where things get specific to individual classes: the syllabus, assignments, handouts, grades, class list, etc.  It is where the professor and students interact with each other.

Preparing the group presentation was a ten-minute meeting at the end of a class. In that 10 minutes, one of the students created a Google Slides template.  We each then “volunteered” to author one part of the presentation.  As the next week progressed we all added our material and added comments to the material being added by others. Based on comments some modifications were made by the author of that section.  By the next class, there was a collaboratively developed presentation which got a very good grade by a group who only met physically together for 10 minutes.

My textbooks are online.  There was an option of getting a hard copy text, but it costs over 5 times more.

I took handwritten notes but most students take notes into an app on a device.  Which is what I will do next semester.  MacBooks are the most popular device but some have tablets or other devices such as a laptop computer.  Notes are taken using a note-taking app.  Notability is the most popular app although several other apps are also used.

My plan is to use an iPad with a Bluetooth keyboard and an Apple Pencil.  I have been practicing taking notes in Notability.  I am getting better, but time will tell if it will work for me.

Linda had the observation that I approach my class similar to how I approach past projects. What I enjoy most is collecting the tools to do the project with.

I started with a Bluetooth keyboard paired to my old iPad mini. Then upgraded to the latest iPad. Of course, I needed  a new cover for the new iPad.  I researched note taking apps and purchased Notability ($9.99).  Then an Apple Pencil was purchased which meant I needed a new cover to replace the cover I bought month earlier with one that had a spot for the Apple Pencil.   Obviously, I needed a new bag to carry the iPad, keyboard and USB cables to class.

Taking a class is more than just attending the class.  To be a student one must actually become a student.  Go to class, do the reading, think about the topic, talk to others about the topic, study the materials, take notes, write papers, give speeches, make presentations and use the technology.

Just in case you were wondering.

• Pathos = Proof by emotion. Appealing to the sympathies of your audience.
• Logos = Proof by reason. The logic of the argument you are trying to make.
• Ethos = Proof by the credibility of the advocate. Who says it, can matter.
• Kairos = The context. Using the right word at the right time with the right audience.

For the record, these definitions did not come from memory. I looked them up. Although it literally only took 3 minutes because I understood them enough to know what to look for.

 

What we perceive often depends on how close we look.
Scaleandperception.com